Difficult day

Yesterday M. was taken to the hospital on behavioral issues by his mom. I happened to call; he invited me to visit and I got the puppy stuff together and headed down to Monterey. By the time I got there, his mom and friend had abandoned him at the hospital. The hospital had given him Ativan and released him. Since he couldn't go to his mom, I took him home.

He has been here all day, except for a couple of hours when he ran off ranting and raving into downtown Oakland. He was so out of touch with reality that I was worried he might be run over or picked up and confined to a mental hospital, so I called P&C, who accompanied me on a search expedition. Just as we gave up, Martin showed up back at home.

He has been talking nearly nonstop about various esoteric aspects of language and about God and control and freedom. He also got upset with me whenever I asked him any questions, which made it rather difficult to clarify anything he said, which made it difficult to listen to. So mostly I didn't.

He sang to Maggie-Katie (Maggie May of course, the anthem of our relationship).

Ai!

Here is the URL for puppy photos from the last few days.

Tonight's playlist (partial)

The Sun in the Stream 2:57 Enya The Celts 9:31 PM
Shock The Monkey 3:59 Peter Gabriel Hit [Disc 1] 9:28 PM
It's All Over Now, Baby Blue 4:17 Bob Dylan The Essential Bob Dylan 9:24 PM
Meditation 1:58 Carlos Santana Divine Light 9:19 PM
Roots Of An Ancient Tradition 6:35 Richard Freeman The Yoga Matrix 9:17 PM
We Are The Champions 3:01 Queen Greatest Hits I 9:08 PM
Track 08 2:51 9:05 PM
The Long And Winding Road 3:41 The Beatles Anthology 3 8:49 PM
Casey's Last Ride 3:36 Kris Kristofferson Me & Bobby McGee 8:46 PM
Arunodaya 5:44 Rasa Shelter 8:42 PM
Yo Vanilla 0:05 Vanilla Ice To The Extreme 8:36 PM
V Elegia: Andante 2:13 Arensky, Anton Suite No. 5 for 2 Pianos... 8:36 PM
Under The Red Sky 4:10 Bob Dylan Greatest Hits Volume 3 8:33 PM
Mailman, Bring Me No More Blues 1:56 The Beatles Anthology 3 8:28 PM
California Dreamin 2:43 Jann Arden Uncover Me 8:25 PM
Don't Stop Me Now 3:30 Queen Greatest Hits I 8:20 PM

The gaps between songs are where I was skipping or deleting some of the random things that came up.

Settling down a little

Wow, dominance issues! Having this puppy has put in my face how very unwilling to dominate another creature I am. But I am going to have to do it for the sake of my own safety, otherwise this doberman will end up chewing my face in. She's only a puppy now, which gives me a little bit of time to put the fear and love of God into her before she gets big, in say about three months. Whew. Time for big personal change.

I named the dog Katie, and AFTER I did so I realized I named her after my mother, who is another person unwilling or unable to assert dominance enough to save her own life.

Another interesting web site from K: http://cominganarchy.com/

Puppy!

Puppy

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George Carlin on war

Click here

This year 60th anniversary of Universal Declaration of Human Rights

The official text of the Declaration is here. Some stuff in there seems prett' near undoable, but it's a very nice dream.

It sometimes bothers me that even though most countries (including the US) signed on to this declaration, they don't behave as if they cared about it. For example:

• The US uses torture, violating Article 5.
  
• The US allows certain elected officials to avoid being held accountable before the law in the same way that ordinary citizens are. It also doesn't hold corporations accountable the same way as corporeal persons are, violating Article 7.
  
• The US does not have an effective remedy for these, violating Article 8.
• The US arbitrarily holds people without trial and without stating what the offense is, violating Article 9, 10 and 11.
  
• The US uses degrading treatment on its Vets when they try to exercise free speech, violating Article 12.
• The US prevents gay people from entering into marriage even though the declaration states that people should not be discriminated against in regard to marriage, violating Article 16.
• The US arbitrarily deprives people of property, violating Article 17.
  
• The US has "free speech zones" implying free speech is not allowed elsewhere, violating Article 19.
• The US does not allow free assembly for all of its citizens, violating Article 20.
• The will of the people is not respected in US elections, violating Article 21.

These are all items that could done without the need for brilliant solutions.

Articles 22 through 30, which have to do with rights to decent living conditions, are more difficult to comply with. It's forgivable that no country has complied, as these are hard problems to solve. But we could at least refrain from discrimination and harm as set forth in 1-21, in our home, EARTH.

The US signed the declaration and therefore, according to US constitution, our national law should conform to it. Therefore some of our internal laws are unconstitutional. Grrr.

I realize that other countries violate many of the Articles of the declaration also, but this is so hypocritical! We hold ourselves up to others as the beacon of freedom, the defender of human rights, and it just ain't so.

Listening to now

Playing Achilleas's album The Nine Worlds start to finish.

Brainstorming.

Stayed up way too long last night, wasted my morning sleeping and my afternoon getting errands done. Reduced the number of things on the to-do list, anyway.

Went to the paint store to check out what they have there in the way of tools and supplies for the job of making my wall purple, because woohoo! I bought some purple paint. Also fantasizing quite a bit about how to make this place into a business so that I can keep it, purple paint and all. Woohoo!

Removed most of the crap from the first paragraph of my OKC profile.

Also took these pictures today.

Went out last night around eight-thirty to meet new guy Bob and didn't get in till 1:30, then had to get up at 8 to go meet S's brother R, who is having a bone marrow transplant and needs 24/7 attendance. On the way over there, S told me she thinks I am cruel to S&B by sleeping with K. Really wished I had a transporter out of there. As it was, I had to sit with that arrow in me till many hours later when she left me back at home and I had a chance to get some solace with K over Skype. And now I am going to bed even though it's only 6pm.

Revised OKC profile

Nothing I say about myself is true since all that stuff is covering for nothing, or in other words pure consciousness. Our minds have proved and understand that we are all one and the rest is forms, yet I personally live in a world of forms. Any statement I make about myself is chosen at random from one of the many layers of the onions covering pure consciousness and so means nothing except to the world of forms , so is not completely true.

But I do live in a world of forms. This time, let's choose this layer:

My mission in life has become to discover what makes life worth living. I'm making that a mission because otherwise I will never be as fully alive as I need to be. If you would like to support my life mission, please share a story from your own experience about when life was worth living for you.

The main way that I go about my life mission of discovery is to explore and play with everything. I have a blog where I tell some of my stories about the journey. I have been blogging every day for 12 days now as of this writing, so nine more days to having a firmly entrenched habit.

I am both very self-disciplined in the practices I have set for myself for the purpose of self-mastery, and very given to impulse, willing to go with the flow. The actions that I choose to exercise discipline are always with my top priorities firmly in mind.

My top action priorities right now are establishing the core exercises habit (1 day to go but I will track for another three weeks after that (cardio exercise habit already established)), establishing the blog habit, and achieving my first solo flight (paragliding). The solo flight one has been very difficult and discouraging because the wind has not been right for kiting practice most of the time for a long time.

I have struggled with depression for most of my life and am slowly winning. I also make a lot of mistakes; if that bothers you or makes you give unsolicited advice, please go away. I don't mind if you would like to share your own experience.

What I'm doing with my life

Establishing habits that support my ability to be depressed less of the time and to accomplish what I need to even when I am depressed

Traveling lots of places to go to job interviews and to see my kids, of which I have four scattered here and there.

Supporting the medical cannabis movement with volunteer labor.

Exploring my neighborhood frequently on foot and by bike. Watching the progress of the restaurant that is being built from the inside out and due in January. Getting to know the owner of a game store. Talking to anybody who will talk to me.

I'm really good at

Cooking excellent beans.

Saying what I mean.

Getting stuff done even when depressed.

Letting go of physical objects and people.

Designing self-improvement programs for myself.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

I really like:
water
textiles
wood (esp. white birch)
air
SPACE

The six things I could never do without

Clean air
Clean water
Clean food
Light
Shelter
Rest and recreation
Clear connection with (a) lover(s)
Work and play (same thing)
Peace/SPACE/Freedom

Things that get better with age

Things that get better with age
Certain wines, cheeses, beef.
Also certain foods are better next day such as beans and pasta
Sexy cars
People, relationships
Caves
Trees (when properly cared for)
Compost
Leather
Technology

Yumm

Related links from K:
Processing 1.0
Processing Wiki
Getting started with Processing
Carbon fiber guitar (cool!!!!)
Where I found video

And lyrics I looked up:

Runaway (radio) ~ last.fm

Artist:
Ladytron - Artist overview

Every new day that you start
plans the minute you're flagging your heart
where you waking up today
my little runaway

every red eye that you cross
makes the next feel serious
where you waking up today
my little runaway x4

every silver shell that you crush
will be enough
where you gonna sleep today
my little runaway

when you feel like everyone
wants to kill the unicorn
where you waking up today
my little runaway x16

Found at Lyrics Muse

Here

There's an Aeron chair next to the door because it doesn't fit in here and it hasn't found some other place yet. There are drapey velvet curtains on the walls next to the entry way. The kitchen is used by someone preferring having things to hand over reducing clutter, as evidenced by the utensils, grains, beans and knives on the counter in jars and hanging on boards under the cupboard. There are also two pots on the stove. No, wait, one is a woodgas stove. The other, when the cover is lifted, reveals a canvas article soaking in something wine colored. There are cutting plastics on end over the sink and also shelving plastic covering the counters. Crackers. Toaster, butter and english muffins. (Not much in the fridge, but there are always some beans, a few vegetables, some fruits, yogurt, cheese, butter and eggs. The fish and fowl are in the freezer, where there's usually enough protein to last for months at the rate it gets used.)

Just outside the kitchen sits the Roland digital piano, with the headset plugged in. There are two other audio cords snaking out from the back of the piano, one each for input and output. Small bose speakers flank the piano, which use input from the airport express in back. On the wall above the piano is a framed picture of a Siberian tiger made from a collage of tiny pictures of big cats. A stylized-slim sculpture of a couple kissing sits atop the piano. The woman's body is arched, neck is bent back at a near impossible angle, and the man is leaning far over to plant the kiss. The sculpture came from Jamaica.

There are two navy blankets folded neatly on the floor. Around the room are a wood box for K's stuff, several plants, several pillows, a rug made of coiled rope, a rocker/recliner and a couch. Behind and a bit to the side of the couch stand two bookcases, displaying an outback hat on a vase ringed by a scarf, black six-inch sandals with straps coiling several inches upwards even without legs, combat boots, sneakers, a peace plant, a remote control dragonfly, and a beautiful piece of pottery.

The DSL router, wireless router, printer and technology accessories stay hidden in the armoire, which is covered by a homemade quilt.

A Cal-King size tempurpedic bed dominates the bedroom, its top measuring a full yard off the floor. It's covered with a water-resistant mattress protector, 100% bamboo sheets, down-alternative pillows, a homemade quilt and a comforter. The pillow cases on two of the pillows match the comforter. A piece of velvet serves as a bed skirt. A velvet storage bench provides seating between two large healthy plants. The sewing machine sits atop a wicker storage chest in the window nook, which is flanked by two-tone blackout curtains, improved with velcro for closure.

There are a lot of empty containers of all kinds on the shelf in the closet. A bunch of empty hangers hang from the bar. On the floor await my two duffels of clothes, A plastic three-drawer chest, and five boxes.

So should I stay or should I go? Still don't know.

more horrid depression

Spent a lot of time researching into alternative ways to go from here. got stir-crazy depressed. took a walk in the neighborhood but couldn't talk to many people because most businesses closed Monday. Hopped on my bike and went downtown.

Made inquiries about budtending job and obtained application. I guess I will go hand it in later because I wasn't ready to do it right then.

'nother prospective buyer on site this pm

so I spent a bunch of time rearranging and cleaning

Happy Birthday to us

K and I both have our birthday today. We spent a lot of it resting and even sleeping. I spent a lot of time daydreaming and then went to the tool library and checked out a palm-type power sander and a core saw (I think it's called) to mess with the piece of furniture I have here. Which is a beat-up not much good piece of furniture whose dimensions and configuration are all wrong, but I am going to play around with it and see if I can make something better of it. Or not.

So far I did put some poison goop on the top of it, let it sit a bit, and scraped a lot of it off. Some finish still on. Used the power sander to take some of that off and then got tired of it and stopped. Now how am I going to present that to the prospective buyer tomorrow? Probably cover it with a cloth.

Used one of the sex pads I made yesterday. Bad. Stitching too harsh against skin. Back to drawing board :)

And I might have an idea for a real business that I can actually do.

More success

Even though depression sucks I made myself go to techshop and get my sex pads made today. They are the same thing as incontinence pads except softer and prettier and intended for use during sex, for those of us who have considerable incontinence during sex and find that putting a towel down is not adequate to keep the bed confortable enough to sleep in later. And being a middle-aged woman, I do like to sleep later, the young people can have those all night boink sessions.

For exercise today I took a walk around the neighborhood, which of course led to going into Sally's shop and talking with her for a while about what's going on with me. She gives good hugs and good ear. She asked me if I would like to sit with her brother Raymond who is getting a bone barrow transplant and doesn't have any friends. I said I would try it.

Depression sucks

I was really enjoying the small success I was having. Then K came around and I am having a more difficult time staying on task. When he is in town I have impulses to want to be with him all the time. Which is how I get off task. He makes love with me like there's no tomorrow and I don't want to do anything at all.

I use more medication than when I'm alone, and make love slow and relaxed, so all I want to do is sink deeper and deeper into myself while opening more fully and completely to him.

Nevertheless, I have success. I have fulfilled all my daily requirements every day since Saturday. I am prioritizing completing them, telling myself this is about my survival, which it is. I cannot allow myself to get suicidal. It's absolutely essential that I nurture the elements of my life that make it worth living. And that includes making love with K.

Mud in the brain

The depression has me about as bad as it ever does today. I made myself go to Monterey Market and complete all other truly essential items such as a short piano practice, other than that I'm not going to make myself do anything today.

Beans

This morning's beans were excellent. They included:
Navy beans
Bacon bits
Onion
Garlic
Corn
Almonds
Small broccoli cubes
Fresh herbs
Pepper
and of course at the end, salt.

They were adequate fuel to enable me to single-handedly move a heavy airmoire from San Bruno to its new place here, although that pretty much used most of my fuel, which tank had a leak caused by lack of sleep last night. So I need to be getting to bed right soon now.

Updated my resume' to send to a recuriter who asked for it

CURRENT WORK
Intern at Institute For Internet Security, Inc., with Patient ID Center as a client: Setup OpenBSD and MySQL, maintain user accounts, provide meeting support.
Establish new habits more adaptable to constantly changing circumstances
Design a mode of making a living for the next phase of my life
Get my blog well-established
Learn to fly. Learn jazz piano.
PREVIOUS WORK HISTORY
1999-2008 Information Systems Coordinator at OGC, University of California, Oakland
Technology management
• Identify and implement technology that effectively supports individual ways of working.
• Oversee or perform server administration, database administration, and desktop support.
• Provide technical consulting and training as needed.
• Reporting and documentation.
• Initiate and guide project and planning teams.
Effective communication
Provide personalized training, support and consultation services.
Act as liaison with departments, committees, and outside vendors.
Write RFI’s, RFP’s and RFQs for projects; assist others with honing style and content of their memos
Wrote a manual that was distributed organization-wide (approx. 2300 people).
Analysis and research
Research and recommend processes and products to increase effectiveness and solve problems.
Analyze and solve problems after others fail to do so.
Make proposals for more effective business processes, supported by technology.
Trained in business process analysis
Organization
Organize and lead teams for projects and planning.
Provide prompt service; keep records of what is done. Document procedures.
Track and respond to large projects and small requests while meeting deadlines.
Prioritize and meet requests from executives or people who need to meet deadlines, while keeping servers running and updated, web sites updated, listservs updated, and other tasks.
Organize server room and equipment work room.
Work with “zero-inbox” system.
Server administration
• Set up, configure, and maintain Active Directory (AD) domain. Create customized group policies.
• Set up and administer IIS, SUS, FTP, DNS, and RAID.
• Setup/ maintain Windows 2000, 2003, Linux.
• Set up and administer client-server and multi-tier applications: document management, timekeeping, accounting, desktop faxing.
• Maintain public and in-house web sites using HTLM, ASP, and PHP.
• Bring servers into compliance with security best practices and update security as needed.
Monitor logs, backups, and other server status or resource information.
• Fully document server configurations.
Database creation and maintenance
• Set up and administer SQL; write stored TSQL procedures and ad-hoc queries.
• Design, develop, document, and install numerous SQL-Access applications.
Programming / scripting / automation
• Automate software installations and upgrades, and certain administrative tasks.
• Experience: KiXtart, ScriptIt, VBA, Windows API, C++, ODBC, DDE, Perl.
• Provided full documentation for all programs and scripts
Desktop support
Twelve years providing and/or supervising desktop support.
Support Windows, Macintosh.
Create and implement standard for desktop imaging.
Upgrade the OS, the software or the hardware.
Support common applications like MS Office, and applications for law, and education.
Supervision
Unofficial supervision of involved people during project management.
Supervise desktop support crew, dotted line and otherwise.
Manage records room, library, travel processing, reception, mail, copy room, & supplies.
Training
Train desktop support crew on PC support and troubleshooting, and server maintenance.
Provide user training sessions on Microsoft products and specialized applications.
Trained entire organization on Outlook during migration from Eudora
Trained in how to train
OLDER WORK EXPERIENCE:
1999 Computer Systems Manager at Academy of Art College, SF
1997-1998 Information Systems Manager at The Motion Factory, Inc., Fremont
1995-1997 IS / Database Manager at Telescan Systems, Inc., Burlingame
Exchange, POP3/SMTP, DHCP, RAS, Novell, AS/400, and PBX. Client-server contact management, GroupWise, FoxPro, Paradox, MySQL, AS/400, and FileMaker. Shell scripts, Linux, OS/2.
Designed, wrote, revised, and operated programs and scripts for database pre-mastering -- enabled major agreement with nationwide customer by expanding database capability.
Installed and maintained firewalls, hubs, switches, routers and gateways.
Maintained hardware and cabling for TCP/IP, IPX, and AppleTalk networks.
Maintained phone system, including cross-connect and termination punch-down.
Write RFQs for and supervise wiring projects for CAT-5 wiring, ISDN, and T-1 installation.
Automated conversion, import, and detailed reporting of web input.
Built modules for accounting software used by legal and wine-making firms.
EDUCATION
BS cum laude in psychology, 1981. AA in accounting, 1994. AA in business administration, 1994.
Trained in Business Process Analysis, December 2007
GIAC trained Windows security administrator, 2001.


I also practiced kiting today.

Makeshift Desk

Okay, so apparently I have a buyer for my huge solid oak desk that I paid $900 for. Too much of course, should have just bought a desk on Craigslist. But at the time I was feeling flush with money and I was particular about what the desk should be like and that one hit my criteria. Now I have different criteria and even though I think that desk is beautiful I am ready to let go of it for $200. I only have one taker. As is usual on Craigslist, the only other taker offered less than half what I was asking and wouldn't budge even by bartering for a sample of his best work. Spoilsport.

Oh well. The two women this afternoon were much better. Offered me the price I asked, then ended up paying ten dollars over -- with a smile. No fuss, either. Asked if I had it, I replied yes do you want to come get it now, and in half an hour she was here. For the file cabinet, that is. I helped her and her friend get it on to their truck, which wasn't hard, and the whole thing was painless. Everybody got what they wanted.

So anyway I have set a board (the one that used to contain the mirror) on top of four stacks of those plastic drawers, and voila, I have a table. Covered it with textiles and crowded it with all the stuff I've had on the desk. Now I'm starting to have ideas and daydreams about how to make it actually pleasant to look at, safe and thoroughly functional. Which it isn't yet.

Mmm those beans are smelling good. I think I'm going to call them done.

Interesting movies lately

V for Vendetta (Guy Fawkes wins)
Primer (Two guys demonstrate their foolishness with the aid of a time machine)
Pursuit of Happyness (not really a great movie except gets me thinking about ideas for survival)

Denver police don't trust protestors to be violent enough, start riot themselves

Iraq war vets arrested, beaten for trying to exercise free speech

Hey this is way better than nothing.

Completed all commands

Yay! for the first time in I don't know how long, I have completed all the commands I have set for myself today. I have been continually modifying both - how I go about attempting to complete all the commands, and how I go about making the commands, in an attempt to have a result that felt like success. And finally, I have achieved one small success, after all this time. I have completed all the commands I set on myself for one whole day. Woohoo! I did the following:

Took my hormones
Took a shower
Did my core exercises (carefully even)
Distributed a bunch of copies of my resume'
Used the cannabis properly so as to support my mood
Checked flying weather and almost went kiting. Then it kept misting and misting.
Exercised myself to exertion walking briskly around downtown Oakland and a mall
Played a lengthy piece of music that I really like/enjoy/am proud of/will listen to again
Which also counted as a meditation
Wrote a blog entry. Came back later and wrote another.
Got myself out of the house.
Talked with all three of the people who profess to love me most.
AND took not only one but several steps to bring me closer to certain of my goals. The steps (not in chronological order) were:
-Called Wells Fargo about short sale
Initiated process of moving money
Which included setting up a new bank link
Which included dealing with the other bank to get info I didn't have
Which included getting the same info twice because the first bank timed me out
And so on and on but mission accomplished
-Bought a long phone cord so that I no longer have to kneel on the ground when talking on the house phone. Walking from the car several blocks to the store was part of getting exercise.
-Bought the cheapest camera I could find quickly that has all the features I need to take great shots easily. (That's right, no research involved). More exercise. There's the sales guy on the left.
-Moved the pic CD I made for Mr Yummy into the trunk next to the paraglider. Hey, maybe I can use that CD better by getting motivation for kiting.
-Dumped some clothes that have been annoying in my car for far too long
-Got my Macintosh keyboard fixed. Yeah! The lack of a T key has been draining energy out of my life for at least a month. Unfortunately, smashed my car mirror while backing out of the garage parking space. Add another item to the to-do list.
-Sent off Sam's items. Another thing no longer sitting in the way annoying me.
-Registered for the Farmer John class that may in fact save my good-for-nothing life if I'm that unlucky. Add studying for the seminar to the to-do list.
-And bought a spare flashlight just because I love the one I have soooo much.

As a bonus, while I was playing the piano I realized I am ready for a real job hunt. Now that I am beginning to get disciplined about doing the things that matter to me, I will be able to take on an actual goal maybe, like deciding what kind of work I really want to do and how I plan to get an income stream out of that. Seems like a worthwhile first project for a fledgling SEHI. Interesting how that game is ending just after my birthday, so I will be two days old when it finishes.

Out running errands, I saw a rickshaw in downtown Oakland. Wished I had a camera but mine has been broken all week.

Finally got a T key for my laptop after being without for something like four weeks. Much better.

Totally terrific to this time.

Legal Notice for Name Change

This should have been an easy one, just go downtown to the Tribune building with my paperwork, pay them the money and cycle back. Not quite so fast. On the way to the tribune building I unbalanced my bike trying to go around a cone in a construction zone and fell to the ground. I wasn't hurt too badly, but was rattled enough that the next intersection seemed to present a bit of a challenge, what with most of the lanes being blocked off for construction, and I ended up going the wrong way down a one-way street before I realized what I was doing.

It wasn't really a problem, since traffic was almost nonexistent. Except for the cop car about half a block behind. I wondered it he would circle around to catch me after having seen me bypass about ten cars by illegally riding in the construction zone, then making a left turn into the wrong-way street. For a break from the stress, I turned in at the Center and asked C. to let me sit in the basement for a couple of minutes.

On thirteenth street, a sign on the door of the Tribune building announced the Oakland tribune had moved to a new address, an unfamiliar one. A short plump old black woman wearing a winter coat, passing by, directed me to use the 66th street exit near the Colisseum, and said that street was across from the Colisseum. And here's where I went wrong and gave myself a bit of an adventure. I thought to myself, the Colisseum is near BART. If the Tribune street is across from the colisseum, I should be able to get there that way.

Well, I did get there by BART. At the Colisseum station, I went out and looked around. The Colisseum is right there, but no likely candidates for the building in question. The BART agent, a youngish black woman with Doris Day hair, directed me to go across the freeway and then turn right as it would be the first street I came to.

I set off over the overpass. Hairy going, not intended for bikes, but made it. Kept going, looking for a turn. Hmm, there's one, wrong name. More road. More wrong name. Oh, wait, that overpass back there was not for the freeway, it's this one coming up. Okay, fine. Another hairy overpass. Luckily only a medium amount of cars. These shoes I wore were intended for assisting me with looking normal, not biking long distances. They are hurting the spurs on the sides of my feet. The first right is NOT the correct street. It's time for some real help.

Thank God for cell phones. M. looks up the Tribune's address, looks up my location and how to get to the Tribune's address from there. I write it all down on the green steno pad that runs my life and start off again. Another mile and I am there. No bike racks visible, so I walk by bike into the building, getting the security guard's immediate attention, enabling me to get info about location of bike parking.

This is a bike unfriendly building. Not only is it in a location difficult to get to by bike, not only is the bike rack hard to find, it's one of those old-timey ones that assumes you won't need to lock your bike. Ugh. Lift the front wheel and set it on top of the rack to enable locking frame to top bar. Exchange helmet for hat. Lift shoulder bag from bike bag. Add water container to bag.

The Tribune's name shows up on the top floor. Oops. wrong one. Try eleven. Nope, not that one either. How about ten? Nope. Nine? Oh, yeah, that's right. M. told me it was number 950 in the building. I see a door for the TSA. And anther one. Where in the heck is it? TSA officer points out Tribune door. Whew. They're not closed or anything.

It's going to cost $230! Damn. Oh well. Let's get it overwith. After the salesperson copies the info from my court caption, I ask for a refill for my water jug. It's been a long trip and I'm nearly out. The receptionist, a plump middle-aged white woman wearing a yellow cable-knit sweater and glasses, seems uncertain about where she might get some. Don't you have a kitchen here? I ask. You could just put it under the faucet. She says yes, but.. The City of Oakland has excellent water unless your pipes are bad, I say, I would hope the pipes are not bad in this building that is practically brand new. She goes and gets it.

On the way back I stop to thank M. for his help. Take off the awful shoes and walk barefoot most of the way back to BART. I had some trouble with the elevator on the way there, so this time I will try something different. I will go through the bike gate. That means I have to take the bike on the escalator. With the water, the bike is a bit heavy and I have trouble keeping it in place. A kind tall bald black man supports the bike for me. When I get to my home station, I decide to use the elevator again. Good choice. This time the elevator has differently-oriented doors at the concourse than at the platform, so that a bike can forward in and then forward out. As I ride away from the bike gate, my shoe falls off. The same dude who helped me with my bike going up the escalator picks it up for me. He must think I'm a total dork. Oh, well. Nice looking guy.

Main thing is, mission accomplished.

What I did with the first half of my life

Crippled by total emotional devastation including destruction of most of my sexual capacity
Grew up moving from place to place as an Air Force dependent
Grew up in a large family
Ran for student body president
Lived in Canada, England, Belgium
Visited Luxembourg, Jamaica, Hawaii
Visited or lived in New York, Utah, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, California, Arizona, Nevada, Mississippi, Texas, Colorado, New Jersey
Experienced poverty and wealth, being pious and being completely secular, republican and democrat, married and single
Experienced 20th century Mormonism to the hilt.
Gave birth to four children
Had one miscarriage
Enjoyed space invaders and tetris
Had a spectacular car crash and lived to tell the tale
Experienced mainstream American culture in the years when technology and cultural change were swiftly accelerating
Experienced love
Experienced being cheated on
Worked for an unsuccessful dotcom startup
Experienced braces and jaw widening after age 40
Saw Yosemite when no one else was around
Saw a president impeached for lying about sex
Participated in a peace walk with 100,000 other people
Saw the home of the free and the brave turned into a totaliarian dictatorship
Diagnosed with dysthymia (being an unhappy person), PTSD, Bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder
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Read a lot of books, more fiction than nonfiction
Taught myself to play the piano
Achieved Young Womanhood recognition in the Mormon church
Made good grades in school and won a National Merit scholarship to BYU
BS cum laude in psychology
Stayed at home to raise four children
Homemaking “degree” requiring making sourdough bread, yogurt, pocket bread, crumpets, and other “difficult” items from scratch
Made complex items of crochet and many other varieties of needlework.
Made a good number of quilts
Operated an unsuccessful business
Graduated from dragon tiger mountain tai chi chuan in only two years
Married twice, divorced twice

Took psychiatric meds for 12 years
Had a house with a large shade tree in front and a birdbath in back
Painted interior rooms
Finished a couple of pieces of furniture
Came out as bi at the SF gay pride parade
Had Lasik surgery
Walked across the Golden Gate bridge
Tried several times to grow a garden
Went to Burning Man
Experimented with learning languages including Esperanto
Experimented with belly, ballet, modern, west coast swing, 5 rhythms, pole, aerial and freestyle ballroom dance, feldenkrais
Experimented with paganism
Experimented with love, intimacy and sexuality
Experimented with playing the violin and recorder
Experimented with bike riding, karate, yoga and whitewater rafting
Experimented with cannabis, ecstasy and mushrooms
Tried house sitting and cat died of old age
Regularly fluffed pillows for a swinger party
Webmaster for Sex Reachers Outreach Project and Democracy Now for a while

Incorporated meditation and writing into my life
Worked in IT.
Made a salary in 99+ percentile of world at a stable job
Learned to program my thinking and choose freely
Grew back a healthy sexual capacity after it was almost completely destroyed
Repaired damaged relationships
Bought a home
Kept houseplants thriving
Attended Oaksterdam U. Helped with Cannabis garden
Removed myself from psychiatric meds
Learned to cook good beans